Brad on Adoption

Learn How to Manage Conflict

2012-01-08T22:00:00.000-06:00

You will almost certainly deal with a lot of conflict as you raise children adopted from the foster care system. Much of that is because that is what they know, so they are certain to repeat it in your house.

This makes it especially important that you learn to handle conflict in an effective manner, ideally before the trouble hits.

Note that I am not referring to the silly "anger management" classes some teach. I am referring to learning real, practical ways to deal with the conflict you will face. That may even mean pushing it sometimes, but you will need to learn when to stand firm and when to step back for the ultimate betterment of your long range purpose.

Learning good skills in this area is very important!

Respect Your Husband

2012-01-07T17:23:00.000-06:00

One of the ways adopted children can seek to create strife in the house is to turn the wife against her husband, especially when that husband is attempting to stand strong for what is right in their lives. Creating disorder in the husband and wife relationship can make it easier for them to get away with what they want to do. It can also make things more like the chaos they are often more used to at a deep level.

Some adoptive fathers are disconnected, but please do not hold things against those who are trying to do what is right.

A Lack of Respect

2012-01-04T08:03:00.001-06:00

I think this is true in many adopted children. Respect for parents is a vitally important part of family integrity. We struggle with it as a society, but I think it is always there, to a point, even so. In the case of someone adopted out of the foster care system that respect is likely already connected to their birth parents, not matter how good or bad they may have been.

This means that it is hard for them to then transfer that same respect to a new parent, since the old one already holds the parental role. I am not sure how you deal with this, but knowing it is a respect issue may help you accomplish things you would not otherwise.

Ironically, the one child of ours who has any relationship now was the one who I proved my willingness to come back to over and over as he went through a very strong rebellious period. He repeatedly tested my resolve and I was relatively consistent throughout. I am convinced that is the reason he has any respect for me today. I proved that I would not be shaken. He has a ways to go, but at least has some connection.

The other three would seem to have no respect, having all reconnected to the birth father and mother, giving them respect to a great extent.

Be consistent no matter what. You may or may not gain this respect, but you will almost certainly not get it otherwise.

Don't Back Off

2012-01-02T18:07:00.001-06:00

It is very important that you find supports so you can stay strong in your adoption journey. Whether you are just considering the process, in the middle of raising one or more adopted children, facing the challenging years that threaten to tear everything apart or past the point where these children are in your home; you need to make sure you never back off of core principles to get a short-term result.

This may mean being firm when it seems like giving in is the only way to keep them attached to you. It could mean being gentle when everything in you wants to damn them and write them completely out of your life.

Neither harshness nor undue weakness is good, you must be firm in a good manner. Some of this may go against the grain of others, but it will ultimately be the best for them, whatever the final result is.

Your Purpose in Life

2012-01-01T17:44:00.001-06:00

It is very important that those involved with adoption not let their children become their only or even primary purpose in life, especially after those children are out of their house. Clearly you will have a lot of focused time with them when you raise them, but learn to let go once they are adults.

I know this is a general principle for raising children in general, but it is especially important if/when those children decide you are not really a valid part of their lives. This can happen with children who are born in a family, but those children don't have a valid alternate family to run to, while the ones we adopt do in many cases.

This makes it all the more important that you find a purpose that doesn't require them to be an ongoing active part in your life when they are adults. It may be great if they do maintain contact and a connection, but making sure you do not rely on that is required if you want to stay sane.

Projection

2011-12-24T17:40:00.002-06:00

I made a short post on this on my main blog, but I wanted to note the implications here. My point is that most people project their thoughts and feelings on others. That means that open minded adoptive parents will work with the birth parents, expecting the same thing in return. I would be that most birth parents are quite selfish and would (and will) cheat the adoptive parents as soon as they get the chance, since they expect that the adoptive parents would do the same to them.

Note that this is in spite of anything the adoptive parents do. We drove our three youngest to have a reunion with their birth family while all of them were still minors but this didn't gain us any credit since the birth family figured we were just like them (in their own minds at least) no matter what our outward actions were.

This may differ in adoptions not through the foster care system, but I would venture that most birth parents that are in a position to relinquish or lose the right to parent face similar life challenges.

Face Your Feelings

2011-12-24T17:37:00.000-06:00

Its the holiday season again and we are facing our first Christmas almost completely alone. One of our children and his spouse and daughter will be coming over Christmas Day, but it seems more like the consolation prize than a true connection. It is hitting my wife the hardest since our youngest has basically ignored her since moving back to her birth family's area.

No way to avoid the tough times. Got to just plug through them.

Can Sibling Groups Ever Really Bond?

2011-12-21T19:55:00.000-06:00

This is a question I have been pondering for a while. My thinking on it and our own experience has made me suspect that sibling groups will almost always build a wall around themselves, consciously or not. I suspect that many times that "us against them" attitude keeps them from truly bonding with their adoptive parents, keeping them loyal to each other as "the family" instead.

I had been a strong proponent of adoption sibling groups together whenever possible, but I am not so sure about that anymore.

The Holidays

2011-12-16T02:03:00.000-06:00

I don't know about all adoptive families, but the holidays were always a rough time with ours. They already had a bad start with my wife and I both coming from divorced families, making that time a serious pull between different people we needed to be with. Adding the children's troubles to this made them even rougher.It only takes one to ruin things and we would always have one that wanted to make things bad. It was almost like they got together and agreed that they would take turns being the "bad guy." This was very frustrating, but be prepared for it if you are facing this.It is also a time when the older ones may remember (consciously or not) the holiday time in the birth home as well. Those memories can also complicate their enjoyment of their times with you and bring up either bad experiences they had or the always present idea that you are not their "real family."Some may not have such a hard time, but I know we did.

Remain Firm and Consistent

2011-12-05T21:41:00.001-06:00

Thinking over some of the worst times with our children I believe that my failure to stand firm in my convictions was likely a major contribution to the stress we faced. Of course this is assuming that the trials and tribulations due to out children were going to happen no matter what, something I am convinced is true.I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships and the proper position of a man in both marriage and family, especially in light of our experience. Some of my conclusions go against the grain of modern society, but they definitely fit with my experience of what has and has not worked for my wife and I and in our relationship with our children.I will probably explore this more over the coming months. Hopefully I can produce some useful advice for those either coming toward these struggles or even those in the middle of them.

Holidays are a Challenge

2011-11-24T02:21:00.001-06:00

I have never been a big holiday guy, especially since they are a real pain with divorced parents, like I had. Still, they can be a time of seeing people and even spending some fun times together. At least that is the theory.We never did have wonderful holidays when we were raising our children. Sure, some things would go well, but someone would always stir the pot and bring up some commotion or another, ruining the time in many ways. I should have been more in control of myself at the time, as I am learning to be now, and not let them push my buttons.This year 2 of our children are completely alienated and we haven't spoken to them for some time, so we do not expect to hear from them over the holidays. Our youngest daughter finally contacted my wife for a few minutes (until her phone died) a few days ago, but we don't expect to here or see them for quite some time.My oldest son does live in town, largely because his wife has family here that keeps them here. They do not have the funds to go to their birth family, so they will be here. I suppose I should be excited, but I feel more like I am getting the consolation prize. We are the only ones here (other than his wife's family), so some of the involvement may be because nothing else is available.I suppose this is too cynical, but I read that they are all choosing the way (manners, behavior, etc.) of the birth family/clan, making any involvement with us that much rougher. We accept them exactly as they are, but push them to do better with themselves and their lives, rather than just encouraging them fritter their lives away.Only a month or so to go....

Be Prepared to Move On

2011-11-06T21:05:00.000-06:00

A tough thing in this journey of mine is that it currently looks like the only connection to my children I will have is to my oldest son who is "stuck" in town because his wife has a lot of family in the area. I believe that is the base reason behind his wanting a "relationship" with my wife and I. This seems to be mostly words with me, as he has not taken an effort to really reach out to me beyond phone calls and I am not willing to shove my way into his life after so much past direction. As the saying goes, the ball is in his court.The other 3 children are all actively ignoring us, with all 3 living in the area of their birth family. I can understand their desire to move there, but the lack of any phone calls demonstrates that their connection to us is quite weak, if any connection really exists at all. My youngest daughter did call me on my birthday early in the summer, but that is the last we have heard from her. She seemed to be fairly close to my wife in the past, so my wife is taking this much harder than I am. It is just a continuation of the same old thing for me.I will probably write more later, but the key thing I am realizing is that their personality and connections were laid before we came into the picture. Even though they came to us at ages almost 3 to 7, they had already developed a tight bond with their birth family and could therefore not really accept a bond with us as that seemed to violate the role of the birth parents.This is sad as my wife and I were the ones who raised them. Fortunately, no one can take the good parts of those years away.We have to move on with our lives. If they ever really desire to come back into our lives, they can reach out to us, but we are going to do our best to not allow their attitudes to limit our future.

Be Ready for the Consequences

2011-10-27T08:05:00.001-05:00

Children don't get into the system because they are well taken care of. Even in cases where CPS was out of control, the children get corrupted by the whole foster care system. Though in our case the birthparents had 5 children before they were both 21. At least the birthfather was working his tail off to provide for them, but that meant he ultimately had little time to supervise them in their early years. The birthmother was overwhelmed and still a "child" in many ways herself, so they all learned to do whatever they felt like from an early age.This means that our attempts to provide structure in their lives were undermined before we began. While they outwardly complied when we could force it, they quickly left that when they went on their own and started parenting their own children in the "anything goes" style that ruined their lives.Changing habits, even those established in the first few years of life, is very difficult. Even our youngest, who wasn't quite 3 when she came with us, fell into those same patterns. I am sure the pull of the others helped with that, but I think a lot was already ingrained in her as well, by the relatively young age she came to live with us.Preparing people for this is far more important than many realize.

Count the Small Blessings

2011-09-09T18:45:00.002-05:00

I often ask myself (and God) what was the point of all our work with our 4 children if they all were going to reject our way of life and basically return to the roots in their quite dysfunctional birth family. I regularly hear that they are better off than they would have been. While that is clearly a fact, as being stuck in the system (a distinct possibility for at least the older two of them) would be horrible for any child.The thought hit me today that they also all made it to adulthood without having a direct run-in with CPS. That is not an achievement most people would trumpet, but it is a good one for our children. In fact, they all made it to 18 before they had children and the 3 with children were married when they had the child. I am not sure about the 4th, but I have not been told about him having any children.This is an accomplishment for them given that their birth family had 3 or 4 children by the time the parents were 18, 5 children by 21.Not the goal I wanted to celebrate, but you need to celebrate what you can.

What to Write?

2011-08-09T17:09:00.002-05:00

I want to put lots of useful information in this blog, but I realize that I can only say so much and will tend to repeat myself. This makes me realize this blog is more of an avenue for me to vent rather than a place to find lots of good information.

I do not seek to tell you the ins and outs of starting to adopt, though I will repeatedly encourage you to consider the possible outcome before you start, rather than blindly walking into trouble.

I am not sure what I will keep writing here, but I plan to note things as I think of them that may help someone else, especially someone on some stage of the same path.

What is Their Real Family?

2011-07-17T20:57:00.003-05:00

I think I have written about this before, but I want to stress again that you really should consider why you are treading the adoption path ahead of time. Some do successfully build a family, but I have heard enough stories that our experience is not all that unique.

This is especially true with a sibling group, since they will likely come already being a "family" in their own eyes, even if they have been separated from their original mother and father. Just telling them they are now in a "forever family" will not change the "truth" imprinted on their hearts and minds that their "real family" is not the one they are in now.

If this can't be changed, as I suspect, it will guide the rest of their lives, no matter what you do.

Keep this in mind.

Set Your Expectations

2011-07-06T06:19:00.003-05:00

Be very careful of your expectations when you go into the adoption process. You will almost certainly not get the "warm fuzzies" most imply when marketing the area. A few are open and honest about the challenges, but even those tend to gloss over the deep pain that may be involved.

This is often done with the stupid remark that you don't have guarantees with children you give birth to either. While that is true, it ignores a significant part of the issues involved.

I am certainly colored by our experience, but that doesn't negate the point - You will always have to compete, outwardly or not, with another family that your child(ren) were at least once a part of. Even an infant will have had months in the birthmother's body, so develops some kind of attachment.

The questions of "what if" can also easily plague adopted children, as they do with all of us. They may have to struggle with thoughts of how their life would be different if they could have lived "forever" with their birth parents. Fair or not, this is a powerful area to consider.

The best that happens may be that you give them a better childhood than they would have had. Is that enough for you?

Thankfulness is Missing

2011-01-15T18:23:00.003-06:00

My daughter, her husband and my granddaughter have been living with us for a few months now, but things are really not much different than when they were gone. Sure, we see them more frequently, but no deep connection really exists. My daughter is still incredibly proud and insists that she can "do it on her own" even though that is quite far from reality.

I am not sure this will ever change. While age may help engender gratefulness, we live in a "take" society and I am wonder if some of the (minimal in recent times) push from society to be thankful for what you did have is not very strong at all today.

So many people "don't want help," but that is really not accurate. They want the help, they just don't want any "strings" with it at all, even verbal reminders about being thankful.

Ironically, after all my wife and I have done, my daughter still doesn't want even a somewhat close relationship with me. I may be seeing things through my own bias, but I suspect she would much rather have a close relationship with her birthfather than she would with me.

Ah well. I do not have the "family" I was aiming for, even really a dysfunctional one. I have children who are glad to take from me at times, but who will not let me be a father at all.

That is quite frustrating, but all I can do is to try to keep growing so I can adapt and be the best I can be.

It Keeps Going On

2010-12-16T03:26:00.003-06:00

One of the sadder things in our adoption experience is that our children often seemed to have kept only our bad habits, without the good ones taking firm root. For example, I love learning in many different areas, yet only one has followed that path, and he is heading into a spiritual direction that is completely opposed to what we raised them under.

I am also amazed at how many of their current traits they seem to have from their birth family. While a few things could have been caught at an early age, as some were in the birth home for a few years, I wonder if much if this doesn't have some genetic component, however wild that idea seems.

I am not sure what to do or say to continue to help them, as my role as a father is not completely accepted. Being offended or saying its all fine is the normal response. I do realize that parents have to step back from adult children, but knowing I missed out on so much parenting in the late teen years, due to their non-receptiveness means they need more than usual now, though are almost as resistant.

The point of this is to just keep pushing forward and showing unconditional love as much as possible. No matter how much I am rejected, I am still the one that raised them. I made the decision to love them unconditionally a long time ago and that will never change, whatever my relationship with them is!

Another Boomerang

2010-11-30T13:04:00.002-06:00

Our youngest, her husband and daughter are all back in our home. After several bumps, this seemed the best thing for them to do and they were ready for it.

It is tough going from a nice quiet "alone" house to one with others in it and not just for a holiday time. While it is worthwhile, it will require sacrifices for my wife and I as well.

More comments on my thoughts on things, colored by this, in the near future.

No Guarantees

2010-11-23T03:31:00.001-06:00

I get tired of hearing phrases like, "you have no promises with birth children either." While the intent is good and it holds some truth, it is not completely accurate. Birth children can stray and go bad, but none have another individual who can rightfully have a claim to your role. I have to constantly deal with the fact that another man claims the role of "father" to my exclusion, in spite of my attempt to be open to him.

This has greatly contributed to my alienation with 2 of my children, but is unavoidable. I believe the father is still the one who raises a child, but I have to content with someone else. That is not true when a birth child "goes bad"!

It is a rough path and words that minimize the negative impact don't really help, they just trivialize things and leave people in or open to more pain. It would be much better to deal with the reality that many of the children in the foster care system will never bond with a "good" family, no matter how much they need it.

Tough truth, but better to deal with the truth and learn how to work past it rather than to deny or ignore it and be sideswiped!

Brad

Stirring Up Buried Hurts

2010-11-23T03:27:00.002-06:00

My wife and I attended a large local adoption event encouraging those attending to adopt children in the foster care system. While they presented more open-eyed view, I think many still don't realize how rough that path can be.

While I could probably adopt another individual child or sibling group, in spite of our past troubles, I am not sure my wife could do the same. This raised the question of what value the time had for my wife.

While it seemed rather silly, I believe it was part of our ongoing healing process. We have been through a lot and will likely go through a lot more.

She could not handle so much discussion of it at the end of our time there, but I think God used it to help heal a bit more in her life, especially. I probably got sum, but I am often ready to plow ahead whatever happens! :)

Brad

Stopping Comments

2010-08-01T02:33:00.002-05:00

I prefer to have comments open in case anyone wants to do so, but it looks like the only ones I get now (except for one a long while back) are from some Chinese spam engine. :(

I am going to be turning them off for at least the short term.

=======

After investigation, I have some options to limit comments to registered users. Sorry if you want to make an anonymous comment, but I am going to try this to limit the spam links.

I would just delete this post, but I can't find an option to do so. :(

The Need is Great, But the Likely Results May Not Be Good

2010-08-01T02:28:00.001-05:00

I heard on the news today about a local "couple" that were sentenced to jail for locking the woman's 3 children in a hotel bathroom for up to 9 months. While I agree that the man and woman involved deserve whatever results they get, I have to think of the adoptive parents of these children.

They are guaranteed to be very confused and messed up and bonding with even an outstanding adoptive family may be incredibly difficult. In addition, they probably will feel a tight bond with their mother and her "boyfriend", in spite of the cruelty the mother allowed and the boyfriend inflicted.

I wish I had idea on what to do about situations like this. Blindly jumping in is not a good idea though, as I would almost guarantee their family will have serious problems when they are teens.

Birth Fathers can be a Mess Too!

2010-07-21T12:55:00.003-05:00

All the stories I read about in the past referred to the birth mother reconnecting with her children, yet in our case it is the birth father. Ironically, he pushes for all the involvement to be for he and his current wife, completely excluding the birth mother (as much as he controls things), believing in "blood" when it is convenient and ignoring it (such as for his wife being "mom") when it is not.

He is the one my oldest calls "daddy" and that probably hurts the most, since that was the role I thought I would get to play when building a family. I wasn't even allowed at her wedding because "her father" (her words in a text message) didn't want me there.

It sucks, but it is life. No one really understands, especially not the other children. They don't want to deal with it, so any attempt on my part to get them to consider their own role in things gets me labeled as the one stirring up trouble.

You will have to learn to keep quiet in a case like this. I am not sure exactly how I will walk it out, but it is so ironic that I cannot have the open relationship I strongly seek with my children because another has gripped their heart and minds. Ironically, though he proclaimed to be committed to "letting them make their own decisions" in the past, he is very controlling and will definitely "buy them" or do anything in his power to get them to move near him.

Nothing I can do but sit and watch. Make sure you know what you may be signing up for!

The Tough Challenge for Adoptive Fathers

2010-06-19T20:45:00.004-05:00

Fathers have a really tough job in our society already. They have many expectations placed on them, yet have limited abilities to enforce anything they do and are often not supported when making the harder decisions.

This is even more of an issue for adoptive dads. It is quite easy for his children to reject him, instead desiring a "perfect dad" vision they have in their minds. At least that was true in my case. Ironically, my children's birthfather helps them do things that are very destructive to their life. My wife and I tried to teach them to restrain their impulses and that is now being actively undermined.

It is not surprising and many children rebel against their parent's rules when they become adults, yet factoring in a birth family makes it even more challenging and an extra way to reject the parents.

Happy Father's Day to the true fathers! May you find something to anchor yourself to whether the rejection!

Why are You Adopting?

2010-05-16T01:25:00.003-05:00

I would strongly encourage anyone starting down the road to adoption to really evaluate why you are taking this step. Make sure you know what you are planning on.

What do you hope to get out of this?

How do you want things to be in 10, 20, 30, or 50 years?

What will you do if things turn out as you expect?

What will you do if they turn out differently?

The adoption route is not "just the same as giving birth to children. While it may seem like you are picking your children, you will almost certainly end up with a lot less input on this than you think and you will likely end up with a lot different child than you may expect up front.

These questions don't have a right or wrong answer (at least none that I am going to cover now), but they are worth some time to think deeply on before you proceed.

Brad

The Point of Things

2010-04-21T06:32:00.002-05:00

This blog faces a challenge beyond that of just writing things steadily. Knowing what to write about is a bit more challenging than I thought going into this. My own experience has been very frustrating, to put it mildly, but what is the point of just noting the problems and troubles endlessly? While venting may help for a bit, ultimately that is not a good strategy.

This is not meant to be a general guide to adoption either. Many other sources cover that in far more depth than I could. This is meant to present my thoughts, from the perspective of an adoptive father of 4 siblings that came from the US social services system.

I have done a couple of "here's some ideas" posts, but I am not sure what more to say. I suppose just writing about my thoughts as I continue to work through things with my adult children is the point. Hopefully this will help someone else down the line. Perhaps its value will be in many years, when all the posts can be viewed as a stream, rather than as a specific "I have to actively track this" forum.

Many other adoptive fathers are sure to go through this. I do those starting out the process to really think through the issues. Get good reference books, like Adopting the Hurt Child and Parenting the Hurt Child. Those books cover many of the things we faced. As bad as things were, I don't think they were that bad, but I can certainly relate.

This is not the easy road many will proclaim and the "you're a saint" encouragements will only last for a while, while the trouble will go on. These children do need help, but it takes a special man to provide it and to still keep his marriage intact.

Build your life on prayer as well! I could not have survived this without a deep relationship with my Lord Jesus Christ. This sucks far too much for that.

You will have some successful times, but you will also have many tough times. Have something more than you to rely on!

You May Never Reach Your Goal

2010-04-21T05:38:00.003-05:00

While the goal of many in adoption is to build a family, I want to remind everyone that you may never do so. I took a trip to see my mother, picking up my youngest daughter and my granddaughter along the way. My wife and I gave my daughter and her husband some things to help them out as well, making me tow a trailer to where she lived a few states away.

My daughter and her husband said they appreciated the items (especially the older washer and dryer). The three of us (myself, daughter, and granddaughter) went to see my mother. This was a quick trip and I drove them back a couple of days later.

On the way back, I loosened my internal restraint against talking about anything serious and being a "father". Unfortunately, I ended up bringing out a lot of hostility from my daughter, showing me that she still holds a great deal of deep anger, blaming me for many things. (Some of which were my wife's doing, not mine.)

This showed me that it doesn't really matter how many "good things" I do, I will almost certainly be judged by her perception of what I did or didn't do when she was growing up. These views she holds may or may not be true, but they definitely color her view and keep her from establishing a normal relationship where the other party (me in this case) can make mistakes, but be worked with to correct them.

One of the complaints was that I talk through things too much. That is one of the ways I work through issues and I think it is usually better to work through things than to just stuff them, even if you have to take a break from talk to let people get focused again.

This meant that I was unable to even resolve any issues. Talking about many things was "bringing up the past" (especially hers) even though that had a definite impact on where we were today. I am not perfect, but I want to work things out. I am not allowed to do that.

Perhaps I am wrong, but this shows me that I cannot be a father. My own father and I had plenty of disagreements, but I would never treat him like I have been, because he was always still my father. Yelling, yes. Holding him guilty of all my problems, no. In fact, I would have loved if he would have worked through many issues with me. He never did want to talk much out.

Ah well. I am sure I will refine my views over time on this and find I am off in a few areas, but the clear point that any good I do can be swept quickly away because I annoy her seems pretty discouraging. I realize some of this sounds like normal teens, but this is built on a base of being rejected by all 4 of my children and having someone else step in to claim the "father" role even though he is a "Disneyland dad" at best - all gifts, no discipline or encouragement to do what is right.

Don't plan on being a father, if that is your goal. You can definitely have an influence, but you may never get to be a father. That is an unfortunate reality.

It is a Journey, not a Destination

2010-03-08T14:49:00.002-06:00

One thing I keep reminding myself on my journey is that my travel is just that. I am taking part in a journey, one that may not have an end in this life. It is really rough to be alienated from any of my adopted children, but I cannot control that so I must just keep walking forward.

I do wish I could find a way to reconnect. I want to have an adult relationship with all my children, but I can't do anything to even advance that, so I must wait for them to make the moves.

Make sure you are in this for the long haul if you start down the adoption trail. You may avoid all these problems, you may not, but you need to be committed if you want to make it through successfully. Your children need that from you even if they seem to reject it!

Brad

Shopping for Children

2010-02-06T23:32:00.002-06:00

Though it has been a while, I still remember the distaste I had when flipping through the books listing children that were available for adoption. Part of me enjoyed looking at the listed children and wondering if my wife and I could make a positive difference in their lives, but I also remember how much it caused us to rule out many children.

Fight this concern if you are going through the process. You need to be a very "educated consumer" if you are going to adopt, especially if you are adopting children from the system.

Some random thoughts:

- While the listings may note some things, learn to read between the lines. They are often like home listings, which hide the flaws or make the flaws seem like bonuses by misnaming them.

- The child(ren) on the page will need a lot of work. You will not find a "perfect match" that doesn't have any problems you can't handle. You won't be able to handle everything, especially since you won't be able to think of everything up front, but you need to make sure you believe you can handle what is listed!

- The system will not tell you all the problems. Children are removed for a reason, so the birth home had to have some strong troubles and those are often caused by things like mental illness, intense anger, etc. Don't let anyone downgrade serious concerns like these. Mental illness issues can cause far more trouble in your life than physical ones. I think part of this is because they aren't always noticeable.

- Watch out for "mild" things like variants of autism (such as Asperger's Syndrome) that don't seem like a big issue, but need to be understood and addressed. I have read that highly skilled technical people (including Bill Gates) may be an "Aspie", so it is not as bad as the autism label makes it seem, but it can lead to many challenges raising a child. In our case, I wish I had known it before. I have many of the traits that fall in the category, so I know someone can be fully functional with them, but it certainly made raising at least one of our children more challenging than it needed to be.

- Step back from any "deal" you have qualms about. Your job is not to save the "tough cases" and you need to remember that. We are not talking a hurt pet here, we are talking a human being with many issues that must be worked through. You cannot work through them with the child if you don't have the ability to do so. Love is not enough, all by itself.

I may write more on this later.

Brad

Bonding is Vital!

2010-01-26T07:45:00.002-06:00

One of the most important things adoptive parents must do is actively bond with their children. This seems to come easy for some parents, but is more of a struggle for some of us. We don't get the normal infant years where we carry a nursing child and do other things that helps make a deep bond with our child. Even if they come young, we will have missed out on much of the early bonding that most families take for granted.

Some of this is time. Some is physical contact. Both were a bit at odds with how I was raised. While my parents spent time and weren't afraid of appropriate touching, they were more private individuals and we definitely were not a touchy-feely family. My own personality is much more of a loaner, so I tend to isolate myself more, something that is not as helpful when raising children.

I mentally wrestle with how much impact this had on my children. While they definitely had many convinced that I was the source of their problems and would certainly blame any shortcoming, I am not convinced that this was the entire issue.

Still, I wish I had wrestled on the floor with them more when they were young, focused more time with them, etc. As with most parents, I would redo some things if I could and I would put this at the top of the list.

I am not sure if it would have provided the bonds I wanted though. They had enough things keeping them in their own little world, but I do wish I could have tried it more.

As I noted before, don't wallow in this. You can't change the past, but we can try to help others do better in the future. That is my aim here.

So work on bonding, even more than you would with children you had given birth to. Getting through the walls your children erect will be a challenge, but it is worth it, for their sake!

Brad

What Can We Do?

2010-01-26T07:43:00.002-06:00

While I may write more on my ongoing journey, I want to start writing some thoughts on what we can do to help avoid at least some of the struggles I faced. While the problems won't all go away, some things may help the process. I have to admit that these are just my feelings, but this is my blog, so I will write them!

Brad

Looking Past the Past

2010-01-25T03:25:00.003-06:00

I have definitely gone through the stages of grief with my adult children, at least most of them. I think I am at acceptance now, but I know that this is a journey, not a destination. The family I was attempting to build definitely didn't turn out according to my plans, but I have to continue on from where we are now, not where I wished I was.

I do have signs for some hope. My wife is regularly talking with our youngest, who gave birth to our second grandchild (first for her) a month or so ago. We also have regular contact with our oldest son, who is living in another part of the state with his wife and our oldest grandchild. They have challenges and I want to give more input, but I need to sit back and just pray for them.

The other two children will have nothing to do with us, especially me. My youngest son has decided I am not family at all and feels I am wrong when I tell him he will always be my son and that he is going to change that. While he is almost certain to take the legal steps to remove any connection, I do know that my wife and I are the only ones that raised him and he cannot change that fact no matter what he does.

I expect that he will go through some pretty rough times, given some of the things he is pursuing right now. I do have a spark of hope that he will eventually change, but only time will tell if that is more than just wishful thinking.

Either way, my wife and I can be certain that our children are better off than they would have been if they had been left in the system. While I wanted more, that is definitely a worthwhile goal, even if it is not as personally gratifying.

I still would like to see more support for those earlier in the process. I have a feeling some things could have been different if we had better, more understanding support. That is tough, since the issues involved go against common sense, but that support is desperately needed if we (as a society) are going to provide a good environment for these children to grow up in.

More on that later.

Brad

Breaking Up Siblings

2010-01-07T02:56:00.002-06:00

When I started the adoption process, I didn't see how anyone could pull any child away from their birth siblings. It seemed very cruel to not allow them all to grow up together, even if it was in a completely different family.

I have gradually changed my views on this over time and while I admit that separation will be tough to handle, I am convinced it is a much better way to help the adoptee heal, especially those with a solid memory and attachment to their birth family.

I have heard that those who catch crabs can keep them all in an open bucket, without a lid, since the crabs in the bucket will actively pull down any crabs that start to escape their confinement.

While I am not certain if this is true for crabs, since I don't catch them, I know it was true in our family. In fact, more and more of the "pulling down" gets exposed as all my children are adults and more and more leaks out about what happened when they were children, both from them and as I analyze things from a different perspective.

None of them could really heal, since they all had each other as their "family" and could actively keep out the "interlopers" who would break up the family and keep them from their rightful parents. Sure, the adoptive parents might keep them for a few years, but they would all be adults soon when they could return to their proper family, at least that is what they likely thought. Of course I am extrapolating their thoughts here, but this is what they all have done, to one extent or another.

Even the younger ones, with less of a connection when adopted, have joined back in. Our youngest says she is not interested in the birth family, but she ended up living up there for a while and could possibly end up going back at some point, in spite of all her proclamations to the contrary. That pull is so strong, nothing can break it, especially when it is reinforced during the entire growing up time.

While I may not have convinced you to break up sibling groups, perhaps you can be a little less harsh on someone who does that. Keeping them together is unlikely to get them to like you any more. In fact, doing so is more likely to get them to gang up and have them all reject you, instead choosing even a dysfunctional "family" they return to if they can reconnect with those who gave them birth.

Brad

Getting Truth to the Heart of the Adoptee

2010-01-07T02:47:00.002-06:00

This is a question I plan on thinking a lot about in the coming years. I think it is a key part of having success in this area. The stakes are high. Too many children are currently stuck in the social welfare system. While many are there for completely valid and necessary reasons, turning them into families is a serious challenge most people are definitely not ready to face.

Anyone who has read my previous posts should quickly know that I do not believe that success is simply a matter of having enough love. Two things work against that. First, these children are often connected deeply to the family they were removed from. That is ultimately a good thing, but it complicates their ability to join another family. It may even prevent it completely.

The connection they have to their birth family also can develop a fantasy tone over time, as they only remember the good things about that family and even add other things, making what they don't have "perfect" while they face the many challenges of living in a real family, one that holds them accountable and pushes them to grow and heal. Even being honest about things with them, especially as they get older, can seem like only badmouthing of the birthfamily and can end up stirring up resentment instead of understanding and healing.

Complicating this is the fact that all the paperwork by social workers may not be completely accurate. Even items that are may not fit with their fantasy memory of their birthfamily, further convincing them that you are making things up to harm their relationship with their birthfamily.

Add to this the lack of truth of what happened they may face if they do reunite at some point with their birth family and you can have a real mess. Few birthparents will want to admit to the material you received about what happened (from CPS and related sources). They may very well tell the children that all the things said about them (the birthparents) were made up lies, putting even more strain on the adoptees connection with the adoptive parent.

In fact, many adoptees already distrust their adoptive parents, so such proclamations of innocence on the part of their birth family can reinforce the view that the adoptive parents are really a part of the problem rather than the solution.

I wish I knew how to get past this. Hopefully I can figure some things out in the coming months, but I definitely believe what I have written here and it is consistent with my own experience.

Brad

More Ups and Downs

2010-01-06T02:48:00.002-06:00

We made it through another holiday season. One son came home for a birthday party for our granddaughter and a few hours on another night. Our youngest called my wife, a couple of times, though the contact seems very abbreviated. My wife did very well until the end of the holidays, when the strain finally started to leak out. She is fine now, but the rejection is hard to handle.

You certainly don't start the adoption process expecting this, but you really need to prepare for it. It is almost worse than the struggles we faced when they were teenagers. What happened to being the "forever family" that everyone promises? Adoptive parents need that as much as children do.

As a Christian, I don't anything happens by chance. God was certainly not surprised by what happened. Evidently, He feels I can make it through this, so I will. Even if I never get the family I expected, I will know I have changed the lives of four individuals for the better. They would have had a much tougher life without the involvement of my wife and I.

That doesn't make this easy. We still have to walk through the emotions and rejection. So be it. We can honestly say we did the best we could and that is all that can legitimately be expected.

Brad

Ups and Downs

2009-12-17T14:52:00.003-06:00

As I noted in my last post, I have had a bit of a restored relationship with our youngest daughter. That is a good thing, but I note that my own feelings go up and down. I really try to stay up, so I can support my children as they need it, but it is hard to stay up all the time, even after a seeming success.

Those heading into this route need to realize they may never achieve the true family they are seeking. I am not sure my children really know what a father is at this point.

The birthfather thinks biology is destiny, and it is to some extent. They all are still pulled to him, even though he continually falls short of what they want from him. Their expectations and desires of him are likely a bit high, but many are just "time and attention" needs. Ironically though, they don't always seek that from me, though perhaps I didn't do it right either. We all have our challenges being the ideal parent you see on so many "parenting success" shows, so neither he nor I can meet what they want.

That said, their is an element of respect for a father that is definitely missing in my children. The birthfamily did not really have that, at least not in the manner I was raised.

No solutions here, just some thoughts that hopefully can help someone else out, especially if you are starting this path.

Brad

Getting Back Inovlved in Lives

2009-12-15T01:58:00.002-06:00

All of our children left home at 17, which is quite legal in Texas. (Though you remain liable for them until they are 18. That is not right.)

I had a feeling our youngest was pregnant when she left home last spring and I was right. She turned 18 in August and it turned out she was pregnant about the time she left. I was able to visit with her and her boyfriend last week and I offered to pay for their marriage license and they took me up on it!

It wasn't quite what I had hoped, but I got to be present at here marriage ceremony with the judge (JP). They were quite happy. I returned home the day before she had her baby.

It also turned out my wife was able to get 3 days off in a row, so I got to bring her to also see our daughter and son-in-law and new granddaughter. A cute child, though one that will face some challenges in this life. I pray they all find God's peace and strength and have direction as they walk through life.

It is nice to have at least some involvement again now. Being 10 hours away isn't great, but is doable on occasion.

She is very upset with the birthfather, but he acted somewhat poorly when they decided to leave. Ironically, he is harming the very relationship he wants by his actions. I believe she still wants a relationship with him (something I encourage, even though he is completely hostile to me now), since that is such a key part of her heart.

More about this in the future.

Brad

Everyone is Out Now!

2009-10-13T03:06:00.003-05:00

My wife and I are finally empty nesters! Our boomerang son and family moved out Sunday! It is great with a quiet house. Hopefully we can now develop adult relations with everyone, but that is an open challenge.

Brad

A Very Empty Nest

2009-09-25T11:58:00.002-05:00

As I think I noted before, all 4 of our children have split from home. We had hoped the youngest would avoid some of the troubles, but the pull of a messed up life was too much for her and she is now facing things as an adult, with very minimal contact with us. This is hardest on my wife, who had a fairly close relationship with her, but it is still tough with me too.

You don't go into this expecting to end up with nothing. While they are all better off than they would have been if they were left in the system, none appears to have a close bond to us now. I don't think they have a close bond with anyone right now, and that is ultimately more harmful to them.

We do have my daughter-in-law and granddaughter living with us for a bit more, while my oldest son completes basic training with the Army and possibly his advanced training. That has pluses and minuses. While I am glad to help them out, I also want to make sure I am really helping and not enabling. And while my wife and I want basic ongoing contact (such as phone calls), we are looking forward to a mostly empty house with just the two of us.

Many people tell me that they will "return to us" at some point, at least in the manner of having a relationship. I even had someone at a job I just left tell me (she was adopted at birth) that the birthfamily relationship loses its luster over time. I have a harder time keeping out hope for that now, but hopefully they can get over the past and we can rebuild a bond of some kind. Ironically, they are very unlikely to bond with the birthfamily if they can't bond with us. Even though I believe the birthfather would be happy if I was totally gone, his best hope for a strong relationship is if they can strongly relate to me as well.

Unfortunately, he is stuck in the "regain my family" mode. I don't know all his motivations, but it seems that this makes him much more hostile than he needs to be. It has caused him to do some strong lying and breach our trust of him, but he feels justified for his actions, so he is not sorry at all.

Long road. Think and pray hard before marching down this path, especially if you are adopting siblings. Many parents may be needed, but many parents are also rejected. Hopefully my experience is just an anomaly, but I don't think so and those pushing adoption really need to factor in the long term, not just the need, however great. I don't know that most people are ready for this at all.

Brad

My Son is Home for the Weekend

2009-06-13T16:23:00.003-05:00

My youngest son is home for the weekend (4 day pass from the Army). You wouldn't guess that he left under such rough terms. Still, we keep the expectations low and things generally work out.

His mouth is not what I would pick, but is not as bad as it could be. He has clearly strayed at least some from our guidance, but I will bet more of it is there than we expected.

Time will ultimately tell how much really sank in and how much he reverted to the habits of the birth family. They are not all bad, but a few are, in my opinion, so it is a bit of an emotional hit to realize.

Of course I shouldn't worry, but what true father doesn't have some concern?

Brad

Attachment Trauma Network

2009-06-07T02:02:00.003-05:00

One group that we received a lot of help from in the later parts of our journey with our children was the Attachment Trauma Network. This is one group that real does get it in the whole area of adoption and attachment troubles.

They have a lot of free resources to help out and the annual membership is very affordable and worthwhile. I highly recommend anyone dealing with the issues I cover in this blog to check them out.

You really aren't alone!

Brad

Keeping in Love

2009-06-07T01:51:00.002-05:00

I have been listening to a tape series by Andrew Wommack titled God's Kind Of Love Through You.

His main point is to not let others control you and to always walk in love. That is incredibly hard when you go through the rapids as I have noted here (including ongoing rejection), but I have to agree that it is vitally necessary. This is a good point, whatever your general view on the rest of his teaching or even Christianity in general.

Keeping that love focus is the only way to be open for your children. While it can be hard to believe, they really do need you, even while they are rejecting you. You need to stay in love so that you can be their (in love) when (or if) they decide to return.

This doesn't mean this is easy. It is harder to let things slide when the slide tends to go into a wall!

Nevertheless, you need that love to continue to guide you for your own sake, even it not for them. Holding the hurt and bitterness is not helpful, though it can be incredibly hard to figure out how to not let it rise up with each and every offense, many of which remain intentional.

This is not the road I would have picked, but since I am on it I will keep following it the best I can!

Brad

Staying Strong without Good Support

2009-06-07T01:43:00.002-05:00

I have written a lot here about my struggles with keeping a positive attitude without firm external support. That has been the hardest part of my journey down the adoption path. This direction didn't bother me when I started, I wasn't all that concerned how children came into my life. Being rejected by all 4 of them was the hardest pill to swallow though. While it is not surprising, it has really shaken me to my core.

While I maintain many of my core beliefs, doing so alone has been a tremendous challenge.

I would say that everyone just starting down this path should find some solid support first, but I am not sure that is easy to find. I may work on some solutions to this in the future, at least for those in my area, but finding support that isn't talked out of it can be incredibly difficult.

Even my own wife got swayed at times by our children because of my firm stance against many bad things. It sometimes seemed like I was just being hard, but in reality, I was seeing what was coming and desperately trying to stop it. Being someone who sees things that are coming is good and bad.

Knowing they are coming leads me to prepare for them, but it also causes me to face them before others are willing to deal with the issues being raised. Many times it seems easier for others to pretend things really aren't going the way I see. While I am not always exactly right, I believe I have been right enough to have validated that I did indeed identify the exact right issue.

Some of that has been validated after the fact, but that still makes for a bumpy ride emotionally.

I will be working through some thoughts on how to do this successfully. I am not sure I did everything exactly right (though I did correctly identify most things ahead of time), but thinking through it here may help someone else work through their own struggle, so it is worth doing.

These children really do need a family, but many will reject it (at least for a while). You are not a saint for doing things (nor was I), but you do need a lot more coming in than you may realize when you are going through the rapids.

Brad

Flitting in and Out

2009-05-11T01:22:00.002-05:00

My daughter (the one who decided the rules at home were too much, the few that existed) flitted into church today, said hello to everyone and then flitted away after the service was over. She was chipper as ever, though I think she is, unfortunately, very fake right now.

Dealing with reality may be tough, but it is ultimately the only way to go. It is really annoying to be rejected once again, but I can't do much about it so I have to continue on.

I sure hope this gets easier, at least on an emotional level, but only time will tell that.

Brad

Fighting Off Depression

2009-05-03T21:31:00.002-05:00

Getting to the "end of the road" and having all 4 children leave at 17 is a pretty lousy outcome of our journey. My youngest decided a week or so ago that she couldn't live with the very limited rules we had when she was home, so she is gone now as well. She had been working in a nearby city at a specialized trade and coming home for a day or so most weekends, but she came home with an attitude, especially against me, more and more frequently.

I don't want her to be gone and it is not right, but it is what it is. Hopefully she will find her way before she does something that permanently impacts her life for the worse.

This stirred up more feelings for me to process. Blech.

My oldest son, his wife and my granddaughter are living with us for a while now. My son goes into boot camp this summer and they will all move together for his advanced training.

Lots still needs to be fixed, but I should focus on what progress he has made. I will write more later, but I think I have withdrawn almost too much, making it harder to connect. I will have to just keep working through things.

Brad

Watch Your Marriage!

2009-05-03T21:27:00.002-05:00

While I knew my children were really good at triangulating and splitting people against each other, including my wife and I, I hadn't realized how deep this ability could interrupt my wife and I. Looking back, it almost killed our marriage, literally. I am not sure exactly what I would have done differently, but I would definitely have worked to prevent this had I realized the serious danger.

I thought my wife and I were fairly solid, but it turns out she had been turned very much against me. This is not a general marriage blog, so I won't go into the full details, but she had almost been swayed and I believe ended up blaming me for many things that really weren't my fault.

Our society really needs to figure out how to deal with this. Many children are stuck in the system, but adopting them without firm support for the many troubles that are almost guaranteed is quite dangerous.

Brad

Wealthy Donors Needed!

2009-04-11T02:37:00.002-05:00

I have seen many fund raising efforts to help various aspects of adoption. Perhaps not to the level of other causes, but some key people do have significant efforts underway.

I have seen very little fund raising and funding for those who are working with the results of adoption, most likely several years down the line. This whole area is filled with a lot more mines than most people realize. Many adoptive parents come out of the process with the scars and possibly missing limbs from having had to navigate that minefield on their own.

I do not plan on doing much fundraising for wherever my efforts on this blog and this material take me, but I did think it was worth a single post noting the great financial need in this area.

At the first level, significant support is needed for parents with uncontrollable children, most often teens. Though CPS and other adults may paint the adoptive parents as the villains, they are often just doing whatever they can to make it through. The child is often the problem, but no one wants to admit that, so they suffer alone.

Money could help many of these parents cover the great costs involved with controlling such children. Long term care that can handle such teens is very expensive, if it is available at all. CPS may be glad to come after the adoptive parents for the costs, but they are not truly the guilty party. They were just caught trying to help a child work though issues that may take a lifetime to sort out. If you have lots of money and want to make a real difference, consider some work in this area. You certainly would not have a lot of competition.

I wonder if I would do this full time if I ever had such a patron? I suspect I would not, since I am interested in far too many other things, but feel free to talk to me if you really wanted to explore that. At the least, I have some ideas of places you could put some money, along with at least one solid organization that actively seeks to help parents in these situations.

Brad

Why I Write This Blog

2009-04-11T02:24:00.002-05:00

I generally love to write, so starting this blog seemed like a very logical thing to do. Why not express my own thoughts and feelings on the subject of adoption, especially since I have gone through it and am still surviving!

It seemed quite obvious that I would be able to fill up many posts with useful information and thoughts that would help make this well worth the time I spent on it. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out that way.

Though time is always a challenge, I think the ups and downs of the whole process was much harder to handle than I realized. It takes more mental and emotional effort to work through these posts, so I didn't get here as often as I planned, as an early comment noted.

I have mostly used this so far to vent some of the painful feelings I have been dealing with. While I am obviously going to watch what I say to protect both the privacy of my own children and that of myself, I still see this as a place where my struggle to understand and make sense of the whole process can hopefully also help others gain a deeper understanding into the area.

I wish I had known some of the things I know now going into the process. While a great deal of it is still raw, I am starting to get to the point where I believe I have processed at least some of it and could provide useful information to others. I am not sure how that will proceed, especially since I am putting a lot of effort into building other areas of my life and career, but I have learned that my life has a way of taking unexpected jumps at regular intervals.

I am going to start putting down some comments about needed skills, how to prepare yourself mentally and other things over the coming days. I may have spots where I do not post, but I will work to make this a fairly regular forum. I need it to continue my pondering and I think someone may need to read these things to help understand the trials and struggles the find themselves in the middle of.

Brad

Adoption Takes Some Stamina

2008-11-11T23:51:00.002-06:00

I recently heard a radio clip where the speaker was advocating the adoption as a cure to the abortion issue. While I completely agree that Christians need to really show themselves as more loving and being willing to help out those caught in a hard place, I think the reasoning was very simplistic.

First, the children of such situations are often the most sought after in the adoption area. Many potential adoptive parents are lined up for an infant, making such a child relatively easy to place. In fact, many of these couples are almost begging for a child. The message of this may need to get out, but that isn't the sole problem.

If the child has known special needs, perhaps due to poor behavior (such as drinking or drugs during pregnancy) by the mother, the parents may be in for quite a ride as the attempt to raise a child with serious issues.

Finally, adopting older children, including any that are no longer infants, carries its own serious risks. I am probably very jaded by my own experience, but the myth of "happily ever after" if we just love enough is just that, a myth. Older children carry their own load of problems and taking on such a child (or sibling group as we did) can make for a much more challenging road than most adoptive parents are really ready for.

We went through many "parenting classes" prior to adopting, yet none of them prepared us for the serious challenges we faced. I now vaguely recall being told many "horror stories," but we were too young and naive to believe them. After all, we would be different! We would work through anything and stay committed no matter what! Right?

While the zeal is necessary, some healthy reality is as well, along with a really strong support group, including government and social authorities that believe parents, not trouble teens that are willing to say anything to be free from these interlopers who are attempting to parent them.

Providing such strong support networks is much more important than any massive attempt to place all the waiting children. Not providing that will ultimately harm children more, and the families that try to adopt them. Leaving a child in the foster care system has serious issues, but throwing them into a family that is not prepared is also foolhardy.

Make sure you have some serious stamina if you are going to start down this road. And if you are advocating adoption as a solution, make sure advocate support for parents taking this step to an equal or greater degree. Otherwise, you are setting everyone up for a mighty crash.

Brad

Taking the Long Term View

2008-11-05T00:09:00.002-06:00

I wanted to post a quick note to say that the process is not all depressing. The problem is that I didn't know how depressing it was until far into the process, so it becomes a little heavy at times. Even though I see serious issues remaining for all my children, I definitely believe we were brought together for a reason.

While it doesn't eliminate the pain from the current struggles and disappointments, knowing that they did make it much farther than they would have made it if they remained in the system is definitely an active encouragement. They all were at least 18 before they had children, for example! While not a normal thing to celebrate, I think it is a major achievement.

BTW, our first grandchild is due in a little over a month, I think. That is going to be another new experience!

Brad

Tough to Stay Positive

2008-11-01T19:24:00.002-05:00

I went into the whole adoption experience with a lot of positive energy and excitement about the whole thing. While I definitely didn't work through everything, I was sure this was a good way to go and would really work out well.

On the one hand, it has worked out better for my children than it would have, especially if they had stayed in the system for their growing up years, something an older sibling got stuck with. They also almost certainly have been split up.

Yet for all this, they fall so short of achievement in their lives that it is discouraging. I am not referring to the aspect of meeting some parent's goals of living vicariously through them (though the often accuse me of that), I am referring to the desire to really accomplish any major goal in their lives. Somethings they do talk about a goal, but they rarely pursue something with their whole heart.

I should note an exception to that is my youngest son, but his pursuit is in to some weird stuff that is not ultimately likely to really help him much in his career or even in a solid hobby and personal relationships. Ah well.

I have no trouble with failure along the way. I have certainly failed enough myself, but you have to be trying to get somewhere to fail successfully.

I wonder if this is a general "adopted child" issue or if it is special to my children. Probably a mix of both. My wife is not overly motivated, so they can latch onto that to reject anything that looks like motivation in their lives, claiming it is just me wanting them to be "just like me". No, I want them to be the best "them" they can be, but that is an uphill push.

Bummer.

Brad

All the Rules Change

2008-10-28T20:13:00.002-05:00

When my son and daughter-in-law moved in early last summer we made a few "rules" they were to abide by (help out significantly around the house, regular weekly "family" meetings, regular church attendance somewhere, no dog). Well, my wife (the cat lady) rapidly caved on the last one and they have a small dog as does my teen daughter (who is only home a couple of days a week now, but that is another story). The meetings and church went out the window quickly. The help around the house is debatable. My wife and I think it is not enough, though they tend to think they are almost doing too much.

We are due to be grandparents in a little over a month, but I am not sure if we are helping or hindering them, in the long run, at this point. My son can't take any questioning of his effort, or lack thereof. My daughter-in-law has challenges of her own. A year ago I would have said I would never get in this situation, yet here I am. Too much of this reminds me of his early teen years where he always claimed he was doing plenty, yet did little. He swears it is different now, but I don't completely see it.

At least he is working full time (mostly) and she is working part time. I guess I have to live with what I do have, at least for now. Having a baby (crying? screaming?) will be good in a sense, but a possible point of manipulation and likely a lot of loss sleep for all of us. I wonder if it will be worth it.

Brad

Life Throws Lots of Curveballs

2008-09-21T20:53:00.003-05:00

I had cut off all my contact with the birthfather (after being very open with him) when I found out he deceived me to take my daughter to my youngest son's graduation from boot camp. (And she went along with that!) She was supposed to be going with him to a friend's wedding. Stupid me....

She will be going up there this week because of the death of her oldest birth-brother however. I am not going. If she gets sucked into staying I will live with that. I wouldn't put it past the birthfather to pull at her, but the largest pull will likely be from her older sister who had been planning on getting her to move up there when she turned 17 (the legal age to leave home in our state) a short while ago.

I don't know if the emotional roller coaster will ever be done, but I will be so glad if it ever is.

Brad

Clear Sailing to Pain....

2008-06-21T23:52:00.002-05:00

Things seemed to be going well. My son and his wife are getting settled in. They both have transferred their jobs down here. He did have to take a pay cut because the local store works differently, but it seems like he may be able to advance quicker into management since this store seems to have openings there, partially because it is a just opened store. His wife also should be starting some part time work, which will give them some extra income. She is getting hit with some serious morning sickness, so it is not certain whether she will be able to continue to work, but she is certainly going to try.

She also got into a local program that will allow her to earn the few last credits she needs to get her high school diploma. She dropped out of high school in January to move up with my son and completing this will be a good step for her personally and in business.

All seemed well, until I found out tonight that my youngest son, who is currently finishing his specialty training in the Army, has been contacting his birth father enough that they know all of what is going on in his life. I am only 1 state away and I have not heard from him at all, past a letter to all of us here that I am fairly sure they told him to write to his family. I did call the S1 a week or so ago and my son called my wife and daughter, so he did talk to them at that time, but I have heard nothing since.

It also seems he will be doing a short stint at the local recruiting office in the other state before shipping somewhere overseas. It is very possible I will not see him at all, even though I would gladly drive up to see him if I could.

I don't so much mind that his recruiting stint is where he ran from to "escape" our house, but the fact that I have no contact hurts greatly. I had also not heard from my oldest daughter until I called her last week, but even then I barely spoke to her. She said she was going to call me back that night, but didn't until the following day. Then, she spoke briefly and had to run, spending most of the time griping about her brother, not talking with me about herself.

She said she would call back, but has not for several days. I called her today and left a message, but I suspect I am wasting my time since she probably doesn't consider me a "real father" anymore.

I don't know that I could have prepared for this, but it is really lousy. This is definitely not the picture given by those cheery adoption shows and promo spots. Why won't anyone deal with the reality here?

I know I will ultimately make it, but the journey is more painful than most people realize. A father's heart is true, whether you give birth or not....

Birth Family Relations

2008-06-15T15:38:00.003-05:00

I am sure many of you know this, but birth families have their own agendas.

I got my children's original birth certificates before we finalized the adoption. (Though I would have gotten more than 1 copy if I had thought more about it.) I figured they would like to have them in the long run, so I did so. This meant I knew the original birth family information. (It also leaked through a few documents from CPS.)

When my oldest was 18 and starting to search, I decided to open up the birth last name to everyone. This ended up with contact rather quickly and we ultimately even went up to their city for a long weekend so the children could meet some of their extended birth relatives.

You might expect that this would mean the birth family would respect us and work with us with integrity, right? No way. In this case, the birth father is the only one that had ongoing contact, but he gave enough incentives that both my boys (in the middle according to age) moved up there at 17. This is legal in our state, but not in the birth family's state. We lived with it, but weren't overjoyed. This was especially bad since we thought we were working with them to accomplish the best for our children.

We now find out that we are regularly disparaged there and discounted as having any lasting claim to be a "family" for our children. This is coming from my oldest son, who has been known to "say what we want to hear" in the past, but it rings true with everything else we have picked up on.

My youngest daughter turns 17 this summer and we expect him to do all he can to get her to run up there as well. She has noted that she has no intention to do so (and she has some things that are likely to keep her in our area for a while), but I don't think that will stop him from trying. I also think she is likely to face more of a mental battle here than she realizes, but she continually stresses her commitment to me. I wish I was less hurt by all this seeming betrayal, but I will ultimately get over it.

I suspect I will personally have lots of mental tension this summer, but having my oldest son back in town is likely to play an interesting role. It is definitely stirring up relations in their birth family, but hopefully that can all settle down.

Ultimately, I don't care where everyone lives, once they are adults. I do hope to have a long-term relationship (as a father) with all of them. I don't expect to replace the birth family and I never have (though they do seek to replace me completely).

This is a disappointing part of adoption that many young adopters should prepare themselves for. The pain can be worse than anything you can imagine. Thinking the entire effort to "build a family" was a waste is really discouraging.

Fortunately, some things appear to be turning around, so the end may ultimately be good. We are not through the woods by any means yet.

Keeping Up is Hard to Do!

2008-06-15T15:33:00.002-05:00

Things are really changing around here. My oldest son, the one who went through such a rough teenage time, is now back living at home for a while with his new wife. They got married in the spring and moved down here a couple of weeks ago. They didn't have a place to stay (that they could currently afford), so my wife and I did the surprising thing and opened up our house to them. We want to work with them to get established jobs here, pay off all bills and plan for moving into something of their own. I have a feeling this will take a few months, maybe longer. While the relationship is different since they are adults, they both seem to really be trying to lay a good foundation.

They are hoping to be able to transfer their jobs with a large national chain down here this week, so hopefully he will get into the work groove again soon. He has helped with a few things around the house already, so it hasn't been a huge vacation. The three of us went to our church today (my wife had to work) and they seemed to enjoy it, though I am not sure if they will be staying there.

A very interesting turn of events. This would have seemed impossible when I was writing some of these early posts.

More discussion to come....

A Quick Update

2008-02-07T02:06:00.001-06:00

I keep plodding along. I have got to get a longer term perspective, since the short term looks so bumpy. I did here from my youngest son at Christmas, though not since. My oldest son has called when we were out for 2 days, but he probably wants something. I learned a few weeks ago he moved his girlfriend from when he was here up there (in the middle of her senior year in high school) which is sad, but quite legal since they are both 18 now. I haven't talked with my oldest daughter since last fall, which I posted about here. I should probably call her, but it feels like she doesn't want to talk to me....

Avoiding Depression

2008-01-08T23:46:00.001-06:00

I thought things would be better when the two oldest were finally out of the house and later I thought letting the third oldest would help. It did in the day-to-day stress level, but I seem to be battling with depression a lot more these days. Having 3 children abandon you for someone else, blood tie or not, is a tougher thing to handle than many may realize. I plan on commenting on this more later, but I think it is vitally important for men facing this to have some really solid supports around. Unfortunately, I have none. I am effectively "on my own" it seems.

We are in a great new church, but it is a struggle to find my place and see how much I can fit in there. I don't think my wife really gets the depth of things either, at least for me, since she seems to just discount it saying (in essence) that I should just "get over it."

I don't know how it is for other adoptive fathers out there, but I was quite willing to build a family however it came. I didn't expect to have nothing after 13 or so years of investment. :(

It may ultimately turn out better, but it is still pretty bleak now.

I Am Talking with My Oldest Daughter Again

2007-11-14T20:07:00.000-06:00

I decided to stop waiting for my oldest daughter to call me and I have talked to here several times in the last few months. She seems open to talking and I try to stay focused on hearing what she is doing and the challenges she is facing. I am not happy that she is living with her boyfriend, but I try to find out about him as well.

I called her on the way home last night as well, with no particular idea in mind and we had a reasonable talk. Hopefully this will help us relate in the long run. I feel I am still not all that important in her life, but the only way I can talk to her seems to be for me to call, so I will do so as I feel I should.

She did claim to have called me a few times in the past, but I can't recall any of these. Letting the past go, including some serious harm she personally caused me, appears to be a vital part if I want to have a chance of developing any long term relationship.

On the other hand, I have talked with my oldest son a few times. Though in his case he is always full of stories and grandiose ideas, so it is not as interesting. I don't really care what he talks about, I just want it to be true. Unfortunately, he seems to need to mature quite a bit before he will hit truth.

I wrestle with how much I should talk with him while he is not telling the truth. I want to build /continue a relationship, but I get tired of all the stories and lies. I could live with just about anything if it was true....

Brad

Time for an Update

2007-11-14T18:47:00.000-06:00

We got down to 1 at home earlier this year. A few days after my youngest son turned 17 he decided he couldn't handle following any rules at home (like helping mow regularly when the lawn needed it), so he didn't come home from work one Saturday night. On Sunday he didn't want to come home, so the birthfather bought him a Greyhound ticket to his house (in another state) and my son has been up there since.

This was the son who said he was not going to do this! I don't think he fully thought it through, but it was in the back of his mind based on some things we have learned since then.

Several things annoy me here, but a significant part is that this son was learning to work hard and was really maturing through his work at a grocery store. He hasn't had any job since he went to the birthfather's house since it is harder for a 17 year old to work in that state and the birthfather doesn't expect anything out of him.

Ironically, he generally has no trouble helping out around the house up there.

He recently decided to join the Army. He scored very well on the test, but the Army (or at least that recruiter) is choking on his homeschool diploma here. It is as valid as any private school diploma (homeschools are private schools in Texas), but they are different in the state my son is living in and the Army is free to do whatever it feels like doing. He may have to take his GED, but he has to get school board approval in that state, something that is more difficult to obtain.

This son is likely to either do really well or really poorly in the service. If he is mentally committed he should do fine, but he can really rebel if he doesn't think he has to follow some rule. It will be interesting to see how this shakes out. We have given him our written permission to join whenever he wants. (That is needed since he is still under 18.)

While it is really annoying that my son has been enabled to leave home before he should have left, it is probably good that he is out. He was getting more violent and I am very concerned that he would have done something really wrong if he had remained here.

It also remains tough to keep a positive outlook for my youngest daughter to stay at home at 17, given that everyone else bailed early due to the ease of that in Texas, but I need to focus on the positive for her.

Brad

Sibling Group Adoption May Be a Bad Idea

2007-04-28T17:56:00.000-05:00

I was all gung-ho for helping a sibling group to stay together when I started this adoption process. I even looked down on those who would split up sibling groups, thinking it was better to keep such groups together.

I am much more skeptical of this now that I have gone through the ringer. In our case, having a family inside a family kept my children from healing. The oldest two might not have healed no matter what we did, but the youngest two got corrupted by the idea that our family was not a "real family" that subtly undermined our own family. The biggest problem is that we didn't realize that it was present until very recently, far to late to do anything about it.

While splitting up siblings and possibly reducing contact can seem cruel, it may ultimately be the best way to give these children a chance to heal.

Brad

2 Down, 2 to Go

2007-04-28T17:51:00.000-05:00

Our second oldest turned 18 earlier this month, so we are now down to 2 remaining at home. The 3rd child turns 17 next month. He has said he plans on staying at home until he is 18 (and finishes school and achieves his homeschooling diploma), but Texas is weird in that it allows a 17 year old to freely leave home, while still keeping the parents responsible. This makes for a really bad situation.

Society needs to get over this kick that teens are always right. Teens that come with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) definitely do not fit the "good teen" mold, though they may seem to at first. Be skeptical the next time you hear of a wicked, evil parent. Such do exist, but these children have a way of twisting things to make it seem the opposite of what it really is. And many do-gooders end up doing more harm, though they rarely deal with the long-term consequences of their stupidity.

Nevertheless, we only have 2 more to focus on, for about the next 2 and a half years. Then we can deal with everyone as adults. We may or may not be alone, but at least our responsibility will end.

Brad

Time to Start This Up Again

2007-01-06T23:37:00.000-06:00

Well, I didn't start posting frequently as I planned, but I am going to try this again. I could give lots of excuses, but a lot of it is just getting busy on "life".

I would also lay part of the blame with how much adopting can take out of you, especially when dealing with children with RAD. Going through the many battles my wife and I faced have made me much more ambivalent about adoption.

Fortunately, things are easing up a bit now since the oldest two, and those with the most severe RAD issues, are out of the house. The youngest two are facing their own teenage struggles, but they seem to generally have things together.

Hopefully I can get some interesting thoughts put forth over the coming weeks. :)

Does Adoption End Well?

2006-01-15T19:24:00.000-06:00

I have seen a fair number of shows showing how adoption is working great and wonderful, but few of them look farther than a few years down the road.

It makes me wonder, is my experience so different from most? Does (imperfectly) sowing your life into a group of siblings usually turn out well or poorly? I wonder.

I know I am going through lot of turmoil now that my oldest has been out of the house for over a year and a half. We have minimal contact, with no likelihood of much anytime soon. Most of this is due to her refusal/inability to tell the truth and be honest.

How do I break through here? Can I?

I suspect I have to just comfort myself in knowning she and her siblings had a better life than they would have had in the system, and they were able to stay together.

She is supposed to be moving back with her birthfather tomorrow. While this causes me a bit of emotional pain, I think it may very well be a good thing in the long run, since he may have input into her life she will not allow me to have. She is currently in a very bad/controlling relationship, and this may allow her to start seeing herself as valuable, though I am not so sure.

More thoughts on the fire.

Hopefully I can get to some good thoughts in the future. :)

Brad

Nothing More Than Foster Parents?

2005-12-26T10:34:00.000-06:00

One area of the adoption process that many should be aware of is that you may end up being nothing more than glorified "foster parents" when it is all said and done. Many people will proclaim how much good you are doing, but if your children ultimately fail to attach, you may end up with a lot less satisfaction than you expected.

It can be tough enough to raise children in today's world with all the things that can pull them from their family, even when they were born in it. Adding in the underlying feeling that they don't really belong in you family can make it even harder for them to feel a part of things. And this can make you very frustrated if they decide another family is their true family.

I don't know that this has an answer. My oldest child is currently very estranged and my second is chafing to leave home as soon as he can. He is cordial, in general, but the deep tie is missing and I strongly feel that he is just biding his time until he can permanently rejoin his real family. I don't think he really grasps that he can never regain what was lost many years ago. He also needs to know that he has two families now. My daughter (the oldest) viewed getting back with her birth father as the solution to all the problems. Of course it didn't, but such feelings don't go away easily.

My youngest 2 don't appear to have any strong pull in this direction. They have spoken with their birth father, but they don't appear (at least not at this point) to be driven by the need to move there.

My attempt here is to raise the issue, not deal with all the emotions. Be aware of this deep tie.

It does raise a deep fear of many adoptive parents: losing their children to the birth parents, but you are better off facing it that merely pretending it doesn't exist.

Brad

Is There Hope?

2005-12-23T00:27:00.000-06:00

I will warn anyone considering adopting from the CPS system to do a lot more investigation than most people do. It does take a good bit of idealism to even venture into this area, but watch that your idealism doesn't blind you to the harsh realities that are likely to arise down the line.

Even the best children in the system have been hurt in some manner. And parenting a hurt child takes a lot more than most parents realize. Are you ready for feedback from many who just don't get it? What will you do when your own relatives tell you to just "lighten up" on children when you are just barely holding things together?

Hopefully I can regain my initial sense of optimism, but going through the ringer with such children has a way of rapidly draining away such enthusiasm. As a Christian, I know that God is in charge of everything and I know that He was not surprised, but that doesn't make it any easier to walk through.

If you are heading down this path, find someone who has been down it before. Don't just believe the "adoption stories" shows on TV. They rarely focus on the long term, and I have yet to see one that turned out poorly. (Though what do you expect from a "feel good" show. No one would want to watch and "adoption failures" show after all, at least not outside of trash TV shows.)

Maybe you will be successful, and I pray you will, but you are much more likely to succeed if you find out what you are facing ahead of time.

Brad

A Challenging Task

2005-06-09T12:10:00.000-05:00

Adopting hurt children, especially a group of them, is a much more challenging task than is readily apparent at the start. I remember back when we were first seeking children to adopt. We knew we could live with a sibling group, but we wanted to avoid "serious problems". I have a revelation for you: All these children have serious problems! In our case, all 4 have ADHD, one has been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome (mild autism) and one likely has it as well. Another child has gotten a bipolar diagnosis (a bit of a broad brush though). The final one doesn't have any additional things, but that is only based on what we know now, these things seep out after time.

In addition, children coming from this background will have problems attaching. Some still can, but some are much more resistant, and may never attach. I would strongly encourage new adoptive parents to really work on this issue, even if the lack of attachment is not apparent. "Minor" problems at the younger ages can blow up into serious problems as these children reach the teenage years.

I would also not that the CPS system is just as likely to accuse you down the line as it is to be helpful. An unattached child can accuse you of things that will be taken very seriously because most children do not accuse their parents. CPS workers, police, friends, and others will all immediately put you under suspicion, even though it is really the inability of the child to attach.

I still think dedicated people are desperately needed for these children, especially sibling groups of them. But it is vitally important that you get education and support. A number of materials exist that can be helpful, but the support network is very weak. I hope I can play a role in changing that!

I will talk more on this in the future.

Brad

The Primal Wound, by Nancy Verrier

2005-05-23T22:58:00.000-05:00

I have gone on a bit of a reading binge recently. Learning more about how I can help my children survive and thrive in life.

I plan on writing a full review later, but I wanted to note now that I see this as a very important book for all those involved with adoption, or involved with someone involved with adoption. If you are an adoptee, birth parent, or adoptive parent, this book can give you a much better insight into at least some of what an adoptee goes through.

While I am not 100% convinced of everything in the book, I do agree with its basic point that an adoptee has had a major trauma that will affect them for their entire life. This book is light on answers, but the first step is to see a problem, and this book does a good job of identifying the problem.

While the main focus on the book is on infant adoption, it also briefly covers older child adoption. While some of the outcome might be different, the trauma is the same.

For adoptive parents, this book can give you some idea of why your children act (or will act) the way they do. I know the parts where I have read ahead matched my children, and made me realize that the job of adoptive parent is incredibly difficult, much more difficult than I ever realized.

The book definitely ends up discouraging infant adoption, and I myself have always questioned the overwhelming push to have an infant (my 4 children were older when they came to us). She still allows that adoption is sometimes necessary, but I have to agree with her that it is pushed in many cases.

Her follow-on book goes into much more detail, providing solutions to many of the problems raised here, pushing all those involved to control their own behavior. I have skimmed both, but I am not working my way through _The Primal Wound_ and I will repeat my recommendation: Read this book! It will start a journey that will help you to see the truth.

Brad

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness

2005-05-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

I very recently purchased _Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness _ by Betty Jean Lifton and it is making for some very interesting reading. (And costing me some very much needed sleep, .)

Her comments about adoptees give me a whole lot more insight into my own children, and much of what she says fits what I have observed in their lives. It does explain the intense feelings an adoptee on a triad list had here earlier when she felt I should not pull away from my estranged daughter. From what I have read, even if an adoptee is acting poorly, they take withdrawal of anyone as another rejection.

The author does a fairly good job of giving multiple perspectives. Though her main emphasis is on the feelings and thoughts of the adoptee, she weaves stories and perspectives from birth and adoptive parents in many areas.

I have found that all the adoptee-written books I have read have a perspective of children not adopted at birth. This book seems no different and I could not find any stories of children adopted older than 3 to 6 months.

I will be looking for more input on children in those situations, especially those from the foster care/CPS system. While I am sure they face many of the same issues, I think looking only at those adopted at or near birth ignores some significant factors in their background. For example, is searching, especially as a minor, really as good when the birth family had abuse or neglect?

Still, I found the book to be quite worthwhile. I diligently read the first 3 chapters, but after skimming parts of the later book I suspect I will not read the rest cover to cover, since I have so many other things in my "to read" pile. I do recommend it for adoptees, and I hope my own oldest daughter (now 18) will get hooked up with it and other books to help her clear up some of her internal struggle before that struggle ruins more of her life.

If you are interested in the book, try this link to Amazon.com: Journey of the Adopted Self

Brad

Welcome!

2005-05-19T11:38:00.000-05:00

Welcome to my adoption-related blog.

I plan on using this to articulate my thoughts on the many aspects of the adoption arena, something that is not really well understood, though more and more seems to be coming out each day. (Either that, or I am just finding more of it, .)

While I plan on addressing some serious issues here, I also want to have fun and I want to make this both informative and enjoyable.

I am the adoptive parent of 4 wonderful children, a sibling group that came from "the system" over a decade ago. While my children are completely mine, the last few years have seen many shocks, including dealing with a lot of teen adoptee problems, many related to a lack of attachment I had not realized until my wife and I were in the middle of the battle.

I expect to speak quite freely here, while maintaining confidences. I will apologize ahead of time if I offend anyone. Part of my goal is to give the perspective of an adoptive parent. Those are the shoes I have walked in. While I try to have compassion on the views of others, I have not walked in their shoes. I encourage you to write me with your own perspective and comments, especially if they are constructive.

I am very interested in details about those adopted as "older children" (not as babies), primarily from the foster care system. I have found that is an area missing a lot of details.

Now, lets get started on our ride!

Brad Andrews